Beckett's Journal
by Midnite Solistace
Summary: The precinct counsellor suggests Beckett start a journal to help with her emotional recovery post trauma. - "Keep it in your pants Castle, I have a suspect to arrest." "I'll let you arrest me if you promise to keep the handcuffs for later."
1. Shedding Some Light

**AN:** Inspired by a dream I had about these two. Originally intended to be a one-shot but may or may not write a second chapter depending on reviews. First Castle fic so please be kind, also first fic in the first person perspective, which I hate, am used to third person. :-D

**Disclaimer:** Richard Castle and Kate Beckett belong to ABC and Andrew Marlowe.

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><p><strong>Shedding Some Light<strong>

Today was the day I realised that I loved Rick Castle. Maybe not the day that I realised, but the day that I was ready to admit it to myself. Not that it would change anything. It couldn't.

I was still recovering from my bullet wound that had almost ended everything. As eager as I was to get back on the job there are procedures to go through. The new Captain; Gates, wouldn't allow me to return until I had convinced the precinct counsellor that I was emotionally stable. I was also recommended to start a journal. If I couldn't tell a stranger about how I was feeling then maybe I could tell myself.

So here I am, writing down words on paper. Words wouldn't change anything either. Roy Montgomery was still dead, I had still been shot. Castle and I, struggled, to talk to each other. He blamed himself for what had happened to me. When he saw me with Josh at the hospital I could see how much it hurt him, that he wasn't the one hugging me. But I realised today that if he hadn't carried me away from that airport hangar that I would have been buried alongside the late Captain. Castle had saved me.

He had turned up on my door this morning, saying we had things to talk about. He was right of course. Things had been said between us that couldn't be taken back. Over the past year we had been through so much. When we had gone to L.A to investigate Royce's murder I had almost given in to my feelings then. The last time Castle and I had tried to talk about "us" I told him that we were "over" and to get out. God what was wrong with me? He was right. We never talked about nearly freezing to death in each other's arms. I remember thinking that if I was going to die I was glad that he was the one there next to me. We had never talked about how it had felt when he kissed me on that cold night and that I kissed him back. And now in the present we haven't talked about him telling me that he loves me as I lay in his arms bleeding to death. If we were going to continue our relationship; in a professional capacity at least we were going to have to talk.

I had run out of everything in my kitchen, no surprises there, so we walked down the street to the nearest coffee house, making small talk along the way. We sat down in a booth in the back. Castle looked about as nervous as I felt. I had promised myself that no-matter what he had to say, the outcome of our conversation would remain the same.

"Kate" He paused for a moment, swallowing. "I've known, for a long time, the way I feel about you."

"Castle, no..." I tried to interrupt him.

"No let me finish." He took my hands across the table, and I didn't pull them away. "You were dying. And I realised how much time we've wasted by denying our feelings."

"Our feelings?" My defensive mechanism automatically kicked in.

"I know you feel something. I've seen it. Sometimes you'll let your guard down just long enough and I'll see the way you look at me. Tell me I'm wrong Kate."

"This isn't one of your books Castle. We work together, plain and simple. Besides that what if I didn't wake up in that hospital? What if something happened to you?" I stood up. I couldn't handle this conversation. "Nothing can ever happen between us." I turned, and started walking. I walked out that door and I didn't look back. I knew he was following me. That much I had expected. I hadn't expected him to grab my arm, pull me close and start kissing me. I gave in. I didn't care that we were outside on the pavement, for everyone to see. I let it happen, for just a minute and then I pulled away. "You told me that you loved me. Did you mean it Rick?"

"You even have to ask?" The look on his face was crushing, but I carried on anyway.

"Then let go of this. It can't happen, there's no point pretending. I'm sorry."

Castle, being Castle wasn't going to let go that easy, and I knew that. "So you're going to carry on your whole life being afraid of what might happen? That's not you Kate, you're stronger than that."

I answered him with the only thing that I could think of. "I need to go. I'll call you later?"

I went to walk away from him a second time, when the unthinkable happened. There was a woman standing a few feet behind Castle. She had long wavy brown hair. My height. A gunshot rang out and the woman fell to the ground. A bullet to the head from a sniper rifle somewhere above us. The people in the street started screaming in panic and ran for cover. Castle grabbed me and we ducked into the nearest building. Time seemed to stand still for what felt like forever. She was only a few feet away from us. It could have been Rick that had been shot. It could have been me. I couldn't stop a constant stream of thoughts from running through my head. Was it a random shooting? Was she a target? Was she shot because she looked remarkably like me from a distance. Was I the target? My shooter was still at large. It would be up to Ryan and Esposito to work that out. I had yet another protective detail placed on me. One on Castle as well.

I'm still awake at this ridiculous hour writing in this journal because I can't sleep. A part of me wants to put on my coat and drive over to Castle's apartment because I don't feel safe being alone. For once I am afraid. A part of me knows that if I do close this journal and hop in my car I won't hold myself responsible for what might happen. Maybe I will, and maybe I'll just go to bed. I guess I'll see what happens. One thing is for sure. This journal was supposed to shed some light on my emotions. It's certainly done that.


	2. Rick

**Disclaimer:** Thanks to Andrew Marlowe for the beloved characters. Forgive me for paraphrasing your brilliant work.

**AN:** Many thanks to LadyAilith for her review saying this was a strong piece. It gave me that push to give this story another chapter. If you want more, make sure you let me know :-D

Decided this was quite a good challenge for me as a writer to do the whole story as a series of Journal entries. First Person isn't so bad after all. **SPOILERS** ahead for "Rise".

**WARNING:** Adult Themes Ahead! You have been warned ;-D

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><p><strong><em>Rick...<em>**

What the hell have I done? This cannot possibly have been a good thing. I mean it _was_ good. More than good; actually. I'm not sure I've ever felt more alive than when he kissed my skin. He saw my scar; the scar I'd forgotten was there. When he felt me tense as he removed my blouse and found the painful reminder of how we'd gotten ourselves there, to that moment, he didn't shy away from it; instead he kissed it softly, murmuring how beautiful I was. It's 3.03am and I'm hiding out in Rick Castle's en-suite bathroom. I'm wearing one of his shirts and not much else, and yes I'm writing in this diary. All I want to do right now is go sleep on his sofa; I need to put some space between us and make sure that I still hold some sort of grip on reason and sanity. On second thought do I really want Alexis or Martha coming across me in the morning? Maybe I should just go home. No I am not that person; the one that doesn't stay the whole night. I just peered back into the bedroom, Rick is sound asleep; arm still outstretched, where my body was before I woke up and panicked. He was naked, the sheet lying just below his belly button. Get a grip Beckett, Christ. He's a man, I'm a woman, two consenting adults who just shared something incredible and I'm hiding in the bathroom. Alright I'm going back to bed; his bed. I don't remember the last time I felt like this around any man. I felt safe, lying there in his arms. Ugh! Enough soul-searching Kate, work it out in the morning, it's not like you have work tomorrow.

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><p>I need my next therapy session. That was tough. I tried so hard not to hurt him, but no matter what came out of my mouth; because we slept together, we crossed that line, there was only one right answer for Castle, and I couldn't give it to him. I had turned up on his doorstep after I'd heard strange noises outside the fire escape of my apartment. Suspicious or not I was in no mood to risk anything. I would have to get over that by the time I was back at the precinct. But for last night I just wanted to feel safe. The look on his face as he opened the door was priceless. First it was surprise, confusion, and then he smiled.<p>

"Beckett?"

"I'm sorry, I should have called first; I know it's late."

"No, don't be silly, come in." He pointed to the couch. "Have a seat."

"Thanks."

"About today, I want to apologise. I never should have kissed you like that. If I keep going the way I'm going I'll single-handedly ruin the friendship we took three years to build."

"I was wondering if I could sleep here tonight? There were some strange noises back at my apartment and I'd rather not be alone." I'd changed the conversation three-hundred and sixty degrees.

It threw him a little, but he smiled. "Of course. I should have checked you were ok, I just thought you might want some space from me after the way I've been behaving."

"Please, just forget that, I know we've got issues to work out Castle, but for now I'd really like to get some sleep."

"Right, I'll get some bedding for the sofa, I'll show you to my room."

"Why to your room?" I was confused for a moment.

"You can take my bed, and I'll sleep on the sofa." He replied casually.

I'm not sure why I protested, but I did. "Castle, I'm not taking your bed."

"I insist."

"Then I guess we'll just have to share." It had slipped out of my mouth no sooner than I'd thought it. But it had been said, and couldn't be taken back. He was staring at me, with no idea whether to take me seriously or not.

He approached with caution. "Detective Beckett, it's not like you to play games like this. The sexual innuendo is normally mine."

"Who's playing games Castle? We're both adults. Surely we can share a bed for one night." I had thrown him a curveball for sure. I could see the internal struggle going on beyond his facial features. He wanted to argue against this, I could tell. Maybe I should have argued against it too. Of course the part of Rick Castle that wanted to do more than share a bed with me would be a fool to argue.

"Kate, you know how much I value our professional relationship, but if you end up in my bed when I'm in it I'm not sure I'll be able to keep my hands to myself."

"What are you saying Rick?" I moved closer to him, deliberately.

"I'm saying I think I should take the sofa."

I brought my hand up and played with his shirt collar. "Really? That's a shame."

"It is?" He stammered. "What are you saying Kate?"

"I'm saying that for once I want to forget that we work together. I want to forget all of the bad things that have happened, and I want to finally know what it feels like when you kiss me."

"I kissed you yesterday." He told me with a cheeky smile.

I shook my head. "Not to try and convince me of my feelings, not as some sort of rouse to deceive the bad guy, I mean when you kiss me properly."

That was all he needed to hear. Rick crushed me to him. His lips claiming mine with a hunger that I hadn't experienced in a long time. My hands went straight up to behind his neck, threading my fingers through his hair. He picked me up, I locked my legs around his hips and he carried both of us through to his bedroom. I tried to keep a clear head, but now that I was finally giving into my feelings, I wanted nothing to interrupt this. He lay me down onto the bed gently and started softly kissing my neck. He found the buttons on my blouse and deftly unbuttoned each one. I tensed as I remembered my scar; I wasn't ready for anyone to see it. I reached to grab him, stop his advance, anything, but he anticipated my every move, deflected my hand and carried on. He removed my blouse, leaving me bearing all to him, except for what my bra covered. I had never felt more exposed before. But it didn't faze him at all. He kissed my wounded skin tenderly, and told me that I was beautiful. It was then that I knew no other man would lay eyes on this scar, except for him; for Castle. He knew exactly what to do, exactly what to say, he knew me. This man loved me. Before I knew what was happening, my pants were off, along with all of his clothes. I wanted to make this perfect, tell him how I felt about him, that I loved him too, but as soon as I opened my mouth and whispered "_Rick..._" he rose to meet me, claimed my mouth and whispered into my lips

"...no Kate, no more words." It was almost like he was afraid if I talked I would change my mind. I could hardly blame him for that. And at that moment where our bodies met all of my doubts, all of my fears, were completely washed away. I fell asleep so easily that night, wrapped safely in his arms.

But the next morning I woke up and I knew that last night, had to stay as last night. At least until my mother's case was closed. Otherwise I would hurt him just like all of the other men from my past. Breaking it off with Josh was especially hard; I didn't want to put Rick through the same thing.

I was right when I thought how well Castle knew me. When he brought me breakfast in bed the next morning he handed the coffee cup to me and opened with, "So...here's where you let me down gently right?" He could see the pain in my eyes, but at least he was expecting this talk.

"Rick...the last thing I want to do is hurt you. After my mother was killed, something inside me changed, it's like I built up this wall inside and I guess I just didn't want to hurt like that again. I know I'm not going to be able to be the person that I want to be, I know I'm not going to be able to have the kind of relationship that I want until that wall comes down, and it's not going to happen 'til I put this thing to rest." I looked away from his face, I hated hurting him like this; I hated hurting like this. He put his hand to my cheek, and turned my face back towards him.

"We'll figure it out, that wall inside, won't be there forever." He said. God why was he so understanding? We agreed that no-one needed to find out about our night together, and when I finally did return to work, that we would be the utmost professionals. How could I do this to him? How could I completely seduce him, knowing that it couldn't be anything serious, that I wasn't ready for serious. I'm a terrible person. I have a counselling session pencilled in for tomorrow. Perhaps he can shed some light on this, until then, I think I'll call it a day. Any more analysing of Castle and I and I think I'll tear myself apart.


	3. Hard Candy

**AN:** So it's phenomenal how quickly the Caskett fanfiction community updates and publishes. Crazy. Anyway on that note, I hope you like where I'm going with this. I really do need to know more than 2 of you are reading this so please if you do read it, it only takes a minute to drop me a line in the reviews, tell me what you think. First person is so hard, it almost limits you to Kate's perspective only, so constructive criticism really helps, or just tell me you loved it, tell me what you'd like to see next perhaps?

Mild spoiler references for Rise (4x01), Eye Of The Beholder (4x05)

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><p><strong>Hard Candy<strong>

So I get that it's been awhile since I last confided in this thing. Truth is, the person who assigned this journal writing gig to me was my shrink, and I've been a little frustrated with him lately. I guess maybe it's because he was right. Hell he's always right, the NYPD pay him a lot of money to be right.I went to see him the same afternoon after I got back from Castle's apartment. He had other appointments booked but for some reason he shuffled things around to fit me in, maybe he could sense my urgency on the phone, my desperation for some answers, some clarity. I went into that office feeling like the worst person in the world. I had used my best friend, my partner, for something, I'm not even sure what it was. Comfort? Security? Lust perhaps? But I left that office angry. Scratch angry, make that downright pissed. He had agreed with me that sleeping with Castle wasn't the smartest of my ideas, but he also said that whether I was ready to accept it or not that my relationship with Rick was at the next level, and there was nothing I could do to go backwards. The only thing to do now was to work through my issues, but if diving back into my mother's murder is the way to do that, I'm not ready.

Castle understands. Or at least he says he does. Do I really want to see how long he'll wait for me? All it will take is one pretty blonde who flashes him a smile, and he'll be off after her in the blink of an eye. That sounds harsh but it almost happened. I've been back on the force for a few weeks now. Work is interesting with the new Captain. Let's just say she's no Roy Montgomery; bless his soul. I pulled Castle aside on our first day, asked him if we could still make this work and he seemed confident so I didn't give it another word. Although we did agree that if at any point things felt weird or too much to handle that we would be honest and let each other know how we're feeling. Lanie knows. I didn't mean to tell her, more like she's very good at guessing. She came around to my place a couple of days after I stayed at Rick's. She asked me how I was coping with everything and I found it hard to give her a straight answer. Being a cop I'm so good at keeping my emotions controlled, but Lanie has this way of getting information out of a person. She asked me if I'd seen Castle lately and I said that we'd crossed paths.

She raised her eyebrow at me and said "Crossed paths? Girl what kind of an answer is "we've crossed paths?" I relented and told her that I'd gone to stay at his place overnight just because I felt like someone was watching me. That's where the conversation should have ended but Lanie pressed. "There's something you're not telling me."

"There's not." I denied. But I guess that's why someone can be called your best friend. They know you, and they know when you're lying.

"Girl you didn't!" Lanie jumped right in there. I knew exactly what she was implying. I thought there was no point denying it twice so I didn't. I didn't say anything but I didn't shake my head either.

"You did!" I just looked at her, trying to supress a smile. "You got your freak on with writer boy. Oh honey, three years in the making right there. How was it?"

I threw a cushion from the sofa we were sitting on at her. "Alright so Castle and I did something that we shouldn't have, and I feel really guilty."

"Hold up a minute, what do you mean "something that you shouldn't have?" Everybody's seen the way you two look at each other."

"Just because two people look at each other a certain way doesn't mean they should be together."

"Let me get this straight. You and Castle did the deed right? But you're not "together". How is that even possible after everything you two have gone through?" Lanie had a point, but I still felt like I had to justify this to her. Perhaps to make myself believe that I'd made the right choice.

"After everything that happened with Josh it's still too soon for me to be looking at a long term commitment with someone." My excuse was pathetic. We both knew it too.

"Well if you want my opinion, you and Castle already have a commitment to each other, just without all of the kissing and the touching and the sleepovers. If it were me I'd be having my cake and eating it too."

I had sulked for the rest of the afternoon. I knew Lanie was right, but I swore her to secrecy. I knew she wouldn't tell anyone. Oh crap what about Esposito? This is why it's called a secret. Well if Esposito knows he sure as hell hasn't let it slip to me. Anyway we recently closed a case revolving around a stolen art piece at a museum that the perp had killed for. Gates made us consult with an art thief in order to solve the case, but that's a whole different story. The point is she was skinny, attractive, blonde, and very interested in Castle. I tried; I really did try not to be jealous of this woman. Technically Castle was single. Free to do what he pleased with whomever he pleased. My therapist brought up a really good point during a session with him during the case; was I afraid that Castle wouldn't wait for me, or that he would? Was this all a big game to me, was I testing Castle's loyalty, that if we were to have a romantic relationship that he wouldn't stray. Is that what this looks like to other people?

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><p>It's funny how after you sleep with someone that you're really attracted to you keep seeing them naked and it will distract you at the strangest of times. I was so self-conscious of the way Castle and I now interacted with each other, so that the people watching us wouldn't suspect a thing. But I can't help but think that maybe Castle gets distracted in that way too when he looks at me. Like the other night I was going undercover to try and incriminate a suspect, get him to talk. I was dressed up, a little more so than usual wearing tight black jeans, a low cut sheer blouse and high heels of course. I kept trying to self-consciously re-arrange my shirt so that the neckline didn't slip too far, revealing the scarred skin underneath. But before I went in, Castle pulled me aside, out of earshot of Ryan and Esposito asking for a quick word.<p>

"Since we've promised to be really honest with each other, there's something I feel I need to tell you." I inhaled sharply as he said it, nervous for what he was about to say, worried that it was something serious. "I'm really having trouble keeping my hands off of you right now." I breathed a sigh of relief. Seriously? Who was I kidding, this is Castle it was silly to be nervous. I simply rolled my eyes in response, followed by; "You're like a child who's had their piece of candy taken away." This was the first reference either one of us had made to each other that indicated we'd spent the night together.

"You're ten times better than a piece of candy." I knew the look he had in his eyes, almost like I was a large steak thrust in front of a starving man, like he could devour me whole.

"Only ten?" I raised my eyebrow. I couldn't help but challenge him, I loved seeing him flustered.

"I'll have you know Detective; that a ten is right up there." But flustered he was not. His hand moved to the bottom of my shirt. I already felt giddy just at the thought of him touching me again. "I could show you exactly how highly I rate a ten?" His hand moved under the fabric and brushed lightly up the side of my hip, sending a shiver up my spine. Then I remembered Ryan and Esposito were close by and they might see. Coming to my senses quickly I removed his hand swiftly. "Keep it in your pants Castle. I have a suspect to arrest."

"You can arrest me if you promise to keep the handcuffs for later."

"Oh I'll use the handcuffs. But not in a way that you'd like." I playfully threatened. It didn't phase him, no surprises there and the word "Kinky" dropped out of his mouth before I could bat an eyelid. That man is so predictable. He apologised for his comment later, hoping that he hadn't crossed some line.

I didn't want to admit to him that I often find myself thinking of our night together when I get a rare moment to myself. My mind wanders back to his bed, the things we did, the feelings he evoked from me. Thinking of that night makes me want to betray every decision I've made so far, walk straight up to Rick and kiss him in front of the whole precinct. I need to keep my head together, I need to trust my decisions that I'll know when the time is right, I'll know when to bring these walls down. But something weird happened the other day. I found myself with some free time at my desk. The psychopaths of New York had given me a break in their killings. I brought out a case file from my mother's murder, the one about the warehouse fire, the latest lead. I sat there for an hour going over every possibility I could come up with. Castle sat himself down in the chair opposite.

"What you working on?"

"Nothing important." I lied, a little too quickly.

He glanced over the top of my file before I had a chance to conceal it. He leaned back in his chair and raised an eyebrow.

"What?" I snapped.

"Kate. You know going over and over this without any new leads isn't healthy."

"Castle, I don't want to argue about this, I'm just sure there must be something else, something I've missed."

Rick reached his hand over my desk, grasped my hand and lowered it down onto the desk, closing the case file in the process. He held our hands there as he spoke. "If a new lead comes up, and I'm telling you there's every chance of that, then we'll go for it, but until then, I don't want you working on this, I don't want you chasing at shadows Kate."

I pleaded with my eyes at him, even used his first name to try and sway him; "Rick, do you realise how frustrated I am about this case, it hurts. You know I can't just sit and wait."

"It's just a matter of time, I promise. But in return you promise me you won't go running into the lions den."

I can't be certain but the look on his face, I've seen it so many times before. Almost like he knows something that I don't. Something he wants to tell me but he can't. Can't or won't I'm not sure. But I know I'm good at reading people, I can usually tell when somebody is keeping something from me. Why would he do that? I never ended up promising Castle anything, I was saved when Ryan called out across the bullpen at us that a fresh body had turned up downtown. So I stood up and got on with the job. Only one question remains now, how am I meant to build a relationship with this man when I feel like he's keeping secrets about the most important case of my life from me?


	4. One Chance

**AN: **I am so happy with this. Hope you all enjoy, please let me know what you think :-D

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><p><strong>One Chance<strong>

I want to use the word angry, but I'm not sure that angry would cut it. I'm not even sure there's a word to describe the way I'm feeling at the moment. Heartbroken? No, that would mean I loved him, and right now, I'm not sure that I ever have. Castle and I had been spending more and more time together outside of work. Nothing special, just watching late-night television or grabbing a burger and shake at Remys. As much as I missed my take-out Chinese for one, it was nice to have company. Castle told me soon after my shooting that my walls wouldn't be up forever; and he was slowly but surely breaking them down. The anniversary of my Mother's death was fast approaching, and I couldn't help but throw myself into my work more than usual. I went back through Moms case file. I couldn't help myself. There's someone in this that we've missed. Someone high up in the chain of command, who's dirty enough to cover up the business Montgomery was involved in. Who else is involved? Who hired Dick Coonan, or who knows who hired him? A D.A? A Judge? The Police Captain? The Mayor? I still didn't trust the Fire Chief either, I don't care what Castle thinks, Halstead is lying. He has to be. It makes sense that the warehouse fire was no accident. I must have been crazy but I made some phone calls. I'm not sure what I was hoping to find, but that didn't stop me from trying. But I didn't tell Castle. When my Moms anniversary arrived, I went through the same routine as I do every year. I go to the cemetery to visit her, place some flowers and then I go see my dad for dinner. This year I told her just how close I was to getting her justice, and I promised her that I wouldn't stop until I had taken down the bastard responsible. When I went to dinner with dad, he gave me the hard word. Told me that he didn't want to see me throw my life away. It was time that I was happy. And if I didn't do something soon, I might miss my chance forever. He managed to get his whole point across without even mentioning Rick's name. He didn't have to. He told me to hold on to my friends. To be happy, everyday. That mom wouldn't have wanted me struggling with this every day of my life, that it was time to let it go. He even mentioned that he wasn't getting any younger, and that he hoped he might live to see a grandchild or two. I told him that it was hard to carry on every day like nothing had ever happened while there was still people out there that want me dead. Dad then made a point to remind me that there are far more people out there that want me alive. There are people that love me. I thanked him for dinner, kissed him goodnight, and told him that I would keep his words in mind.

Dad was right. It wasn't fair; what I was doing to Castle. Making him wait, when I wanted him as much as he wanted me. So I went to his apartment building, finally ready for the talk. Martha let me in, told me that Richard was at a poker game but she was sure he wouldn't mind me waiting for him. She then apologised that she had to retire for the evening, it was getting late, and she had a very important class in the morning. Alexis was already in bed, so I let myself into Castle's study. I sat there for a while, just looking around the room with interest. I thought about maybe taking one of the novels down off the bookshelf, until I glanced something much more captivating. It was Castle's "murder board" where he brainstorms all of his plot outlines for his books. It was switched off, but I thought if anyone had the right to know what Nikki Heat would be doing next it would be me. I picked up the remote, pressed the power button and immediately wished that I hadn't. There was a file sitting on the desktop, labelled _Kate Beckett_. Why would he have a file named that, shouldn't it be filed as _Nikki Heat_? I couldn't just turn the screen off and walk away even though I knew that I should. I opened it, and out popped a brainstorm of every single lead that we'd ever had on my mother's case. Castle had been working on this behind my back. I froze up, and stood there staring at it for I'm not sure how long. I wanted to just let myself out, walk home and ignore this. But I couldn't. I shut the screen off, and sat down at Castle's desk, and waited. I promised myself to be reasonable, to listen to his excuse, as I was sure he had to have a pretty good one. But when he got home, saw me sitting at his desk, he had the stupid grin on his face, the same grin he has every time he saw me unexpectedly.

"Kate, I'm sorry you had to wait, Mother should have called me, I would have come straight home."

"Castle, I'm only going to ask you this once, and I need you to think very carefully before you answer."

"Sounds...serious, what have I done now?" He joked.

"I mean it, I need an honest answer." I struggled to keep my voice level.

"Ok, go ahead."

"Have you been lying to me?"

"Whoa, whoa, what do you mean?"

"I mean, if there is _anything_ you feel like you need to tell me, here is your shot. One chance; Castle."

I could see his brain working a thousand miles per second, trying to work out what I knew. In the end he opted for humour, thought maybe he could talk his way out of anything. Not this time.

"I feel like I'm struggling to hold back the urge to throw you over my shoulder and take you back to my bedroom."

"That's it. Castle, do not bother coming into the precinct tomorrow. I mean it. I'm not sure when I want to see you again." I stormed past him, and he grabbed me by the arm and turned me back around to face him.

"Kate, hang on a second. What have I done? I'm your partner, you owe me that much."

"Tell me about your murder board."

"You've seen it before; it's where I do my story planning." He was still trying to act ignorant.

"Then why is there a file on there containing my mother's case information?"

"You know we have to keep that information away from Gates."

"If you were only having it here for safekeeping then why is the date that it was last altered; two days ago?"

"What gives you the right to be snooping around my murder board?"

"Don't you dare turn this around on me; you've been working on my moms case behind my back. Almost four years Castle, four years you've been shadowing me, how could you not realize how big of a betrayal this is? How could you not realize how this would make me feel?"

"It has been almost four years Kate; I would have thought you knew me better by now. You should know I would never do something like this to hurt you. There's more to this than you understand."

"Oh, I can't wait to hear this." I was so angry by this point; I almost didn't care what he had to say.

Castle waited a moment, and then just shook his head. "No."

"What do you mean no?" I scoffed at him. I couldn't help it.

"No. It's not worth it. If I have to give up the chance of you and me having anything, then I will, if it means keeping you safe."

"You are unbelievable."

"No, Kate, what's unbelievable is that after everything that's happened in the last few years, you don't trust me. And without trust, we had no hope of ever being in a relationship anyway. Maybe we've just been fooling ourselves."

"You want to hear the irony Castle? I came over here tonight because my father convinced me that maybe it was time to start making an effort to be happy in my life. I came over to tell you that I was ready. That I wanted us to try. But right now I can't even look at you." My heart was breaking. But I was in too far to back down now.

"Then maybe you should go." He said it so calmly. Without any emotion.

I flinched as though he had physically hit me. That was it then. "Oh I was just leaving." I stormed out, went straight home and cried myself to sleep.

* * *

><p>The next morning when I got up I felt so stupid. I vowed never again would I cry over that man. I went into work early and decided to hit the gym. I grabbed Esposito on the way from the bullpen, asking him for a sparring match.<p>

"Nobody ever asks me for a sparring match." Ryan sulked.

"Calm down Ryan, I can't bruise you right before your Wedding Day." I said over my shoulder as Esposito and I walked towards the gym.

I laid into him as we sparred. He kept egging me on, but I tuned right out. All I did was punch; and punch hard. I blocked every punch he threw at me, and lashed out at his face, much harder than I had intended. He swore as he pulled back, holding his jaw.

"Jesus Beckett. What's gotten into you?"

"Hell Espo, I'm sorry. I zoned right out."

"I think I'll sit the next round out, whatever it is, take it out on the punching bag."

I took his advice, thrashing my anguish out on the bag for a while, before deciding I'd had enough, and I sat down next to my friend.

"So tell me, what's Castle done this time; do I need to break his legs?"

"Am I that obvious?" I grinned at my friend's protectiveness.

"Oh yes. There's only one guy on the planet that can get you this worked up."

"Let's just say, I don't think he's coming back this time."

"Come on Beckett, you can talk to me."

I told him about Castle's murder board file on my mother's case. How betrayed I felt.

"Well I can't tell you how you should feel. But from what I know about Castle, is he would never do anything to intentionally hurt you. Deep down you know that. Look, don't ignore your instincts, but the first thing you tell us on a case is to run with the evidence, the facts. The only evidence I need about Castle's feelings for you is that he jumped in front of a bullet. If that doesn't say "I love you" then I'm not sure what does."

As I hit the showers and the water sprayed down on me, Esposito's words sunk in deeper and deeper. I wanted to call Castle, maybe ask if we could talk this out over coffee. But I decided it was still too raw. Ok time to get back to work, a fresh one has just come in, so I'd better do some actual police work. Maybe I'll explore this later when I get a spare moment.

* * *

><p>I've just survived the most horrible forty-eight hours. When I got home from work the other day I was so proud that I had lasted the whole time without calling Castle. I tried to have an early night but I just couldn't sleep. Thank god for that stroke of luck. It was about 2.30am when I tossed and turned for the last time and thought maybe a warm drink would send me to sleep. I kept the lights off, and just stumbled my way through the apartment in the dark. As I went to turn the kitchen light on I heard a noise outside. I stopped where I stood and listened. It was the unmistakable sound of a lock-pick turning in my front door. All of my police training kicked in. I crept silently to the drawer in which I kept my gun, armed it and crouched down behind my sofa out of sight where I waited. A masked man entered and made his away across the room straight towards my bedroom like he knew exactly where he was going. I couldn't quite tell in the dark but it looked like he was holding a very sharp knife. I very carefully rose from my hiding spot behind the couch, it would only be a matter of a minute before the intruder realised I wasn't in my bed. I crossed the lounge until I could line up my shot, and I fired into the man's leg trying to injure him, but not kill. The man groaned as my bullet tripped him up, sending him flying to the ground. He turned around to face me, I was looking for a gun, but I couldn't see one. Why bring a knife to a break-in instead of a gun? Maybe he didn't expect me to be out of bed. I aimed my gun at him, cocked and loaded for a second time.<p>

"Who sent you?"

"Go to hell."

"I've already been there, try again." I fired a second round, at the floor this time, right between the legs, precariously close to the intruder's crotch.

"They're coming for you. It's only a matter of time. They'll get you, just like they got Johanna."

"Who killed my mother you bastard?"

The intruder took advantage of the poorly lit room and threw his knife at me. It grazed my arm as I tried to dodge it causing me to lose grip on my gun. Despite my skin slowing its trajectory the knife still lodged itself into the wall. In all of the excitement the man managed to get on his feet and over to my dropped gun. Instead of grabbing it, the man kicked it out of my reach with his good foot. Thinking fast I turned for the knife, but the man was faster. He pushed me, and lunged for the knife. With the knife in one hand, he managed to tackle both of us to the ground with his other, the darkness of the room giving him a huge advantage. If he had us on the ground it meant he didn't have to try and kill me with a bullet in his leg. He tried to bring the knife down into my chest but I was anticipating it, my heart racing a hundred miles a second, adrenaline kicking in. I grabbed his wrist, the knife stopping inches away from me. I used all of my strength to stop him butchering me, but he was so strong. I managed to inch my hands to the handle of the knife and in my desperation I kicked his bad leg with my own as hard as I could possibly muster. He rose up in pain, the knife turning around as it swapped into my hands, and the killer fell back down, his chest falling onto his own knife. The blood went everywhere as it drained out of his body. His lifeless body collapsed on top of me. I grunted as I pushed him off of me. I ran for the light-switch. As light flooded my living room I realised I had blood all down my front. Keeping a clear head was out of the question. I grabbed my phone and called the precinct. As soon as a team were on their way I sunk to the floor and started crying, I couldn't help it. It felt like time stood still until my colleagues banged down the door. I stayed on the floor until I felt a blanket wrapped around my shoulders. It was Ryan.

"Come on Beckett. Up off the floor." He sat me down on the sofa, protecting it first with a plastic sheet seeing as I had blood all over me. The CSU proceeded to sweep my apartment. Examine the body. Ryan and Esposito proceeded to take my formal statement. Castle stormed in a few minutes later.

He swooped straight down next to me. "Kate? Are you hurt?"

"Castle...who called you? I thought you hated me?"

"No..." He pulled me into hug. I wrapped my arms around his neck. "I can't hate you, even if I wanted to. Esposito called me. Told me if I was as smart as I believe I am to get over here. You'd been attacked?"

"I'm putting blood all over you."

"I don't care." He pulled the blanket tighter around me and tucked me into his side, kissing me on the forehead; for everyone to see.

Gates walked through the door next. "There was a baseball bat sitting outside the apartment. He was going to make it look like a home invasion. Stab you while you sleep."

"So why aren't you in little pieces?" Esposito asked me.

"I couldn't sleep. I got up to make a warm drink and before I could get to the light switch I heard the sound of someone trying to get inside my door. Someone was looking out for me I think."

"Why would anyone want to do this?" Lanie asked me. She was visibly shaken at the thought of what if...

"He was hired by the same people who shot me at Montgomery's funeral. The same people that killed my mother." I said aloud.

Castle pulled away from me for a moment, giving enough space so he could see my face.

"Kate, please, for once in your life be honest with me. Have you been digging around in your mother's case?"

Realization dawned on me. "This is what you meant; about keeping me safe. I'd already made the calls. Before I came to see you, I rang around looking for answers to loose ends and I must have tipped off the right people." I looked Castle straight in the eyes. "Tell me what you know. What you wouldn't tell me before."

"I received a mysterious phone call from a man, soon after the funeral. This man told me that Montgomery had sent him some files that could damage some very important people. These files were used to blackmail the people responsible in return for the safety of both you and the Captain's family. Montgomery was killed and you were shot before this man received the files and therefore the deal had not been put into action yet. He told me that if you started digging again he couldn't protect you from them."

"This man have a name?"

"He wouldn't tell me."

"Well that's ok because now we have a lead, some man tried to butcher me."

"Kate..."

"Castle."

He looked around to make sure no-one was in earshot of us. "How many times will you look down the barrel of that gun before you stop and realize; this is going to get you killed?"

"Please Castle; we've already had this argument."

"Maybe we need to have it again." Castle raised his voice, drawing attention to us.

"Not here, not now." I shook my head. This had been one of the worst nights of my life.

"Not here, where other people might hear it? Why not? Maybe they'll have some good insight as to why no-one in this room wants to see you get killed. If you won't listen to me, listen to your friends."

Lanie was the first one to speak up. "Honey, please, listen to your man here. He's right."

"Look at the lengths these people will go to." Esposito added.

Ryan was next. "You know there's no way Gates will let you work this case anyway."

"I've already done the damage. I opened up Pandora's Box. Whatever safety this man promised Montgomery, I've broken the deal. Now I've killed one of their men."

"In self-defence." Castle reminded me.

"How do I know they won't come after me again, until they succeed in doing the job they've been hired to do?"

Gates approached us, causing us to all drop this conversation.

"I think we're done here. Detective Beckett, I suggest you take a couple of days off work. Try and get some rest. Perhaps it would be best if you made alternative living arrangements until the people responsible for this are caught."

I looked at Castle but he spoke before I could. "You're staying with me. No arguments." I was too tired to argue so I simply smiled and snuggled deeper into his side.

"Very well, I will have a security detail placed on your building Mr Castle. For now, make sure she gets some rest."

"Yes Sir." He told her, then looked at me. "Come on; let's go pack your things."

When we got into Castle's loft all I wanted to do was go to bed, it was 4.30 in the morning.

"While you're in the shower, I'll put your bag in the spare room?" He asked me. His face was full of concern; I must have looked like hell.

I shook my head. "Would it be okay if I stayed in your room? With you, I mean. After tonight I'm not sure I'll get much sleep by myself."

"Whatever you need." He wrapped his arms around me. "I'll keep you safe." He whispered to me.

I tilted my face up to meet his and kissed his cheek softly. "Thank you. I don't deserve you Rick."

That night I slept better than I had in a while. We both kept our clothes on, which I was thankful for. He lay on his back and let me snuggle up with my head on his chest. I slept well into the next day, and he lay there with me. Content just to watch me sleep. All of the anger I had for him over the previous few days had gone and I knew that I didn't want anyone else. I struggled internally for a few hours, I felt happy, lying there with him. I could have this, anytime I wanted, I just had to say the words, but I'd promised myself I would close my moms case first. Then again, if I was dead before that happened…maybe I should just let this go.


End file.
